MST3K (1011)

1011 - Horrors of Spider Island - Hey, a werespider. Never seen one of them before. Kinda looks like a really blocky guy wearing monkey gloves and a discarded wolfman mask. Even worse, in long shots it kinda just looks like a guy without a shirt on. Ah well, the titular horrors were not really the point of the movie, were they? Ahem. Titular. *cough*

"Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh… I'm impotent." I still have the sense that the riffing is slowing down in these final few episodes. This episode was funnier than the last, but only a little. But, at least we got a Torgo reference ("He has Torgo area."). Been a while for one of those. And, fortunately for the show, Crow's favorite website nakedwrestlinggiantesses.com doesn't exist (yet). Phew.

Wow, a late-era Sci-Fi host segment that I actually enjoyed quite a bit… and it involved the Castle Forrester crew? Impossible! Yes, Mike imitating manly man Gary from the movie, using his uncrossed and crossed legs to judge the dance performances of the earnest Bobo, Brain Guy and Pearl, got some good laughing out of me. Yeesh, Brain Guy is not a handsome woman at all. That bra strap… *shudder*

"All right, now watch how a man screams in horror." (7/10)

film d. Fritz Böttger [as Jaime Nolan] (1960)
mst d. Michael J. Nelson (25 Jul 1999)

Star Trek: TOS 1.15: "The Menagerie, Part I"

A great way to get some use out of that footage from the unaired pilot. Interesting to note Pike's crack about not being used to having women on the bridge was cut, but Spock's uncharacteristic smile over the singing plants was not. Gene tried to clean up the old version of the ST universe a bit, I guess.

Man, they just got done trying to court martial Kirk, too. The whole crew's getting a lot of use out of their SF Academy "Space Law 101" course lately.

yr: 2267
sd: 3012.4
ad: 17 Nov 1966

OLR: Deathbed (2002)

Derivative and dull; never, ever hire an actress for this kind of movie who has a "no nudity" clause in her contract. (4/10)

d. Danny Draven

Guest OLR: Little Dieter Needs to Fly (1997)

Watching him relive it makes it all the more worthwhile. (8/10)

d. Werner Herzog

MST3K (1010)

1010 - It Lives by Night - Usually I like these types of a movies. Low-budget horror from the 1970s? A scientist who goes too far versus a redneck sheriff? A werebat? Never seen one of them before… that like a vampire? Sign me up! Meh, the results were not quite as exciting as I might have imagined. One trouble spot was Dr. Werebat's lack of acting chops. His facial expressions during his "rabies" convulsions were so incredibly lame they couldn't even qualify as "unintentionally hilarious." He sort of walked through the film half-expressionless and half in the grip of some nasty constipation. Another downfall was the meandering, go-nowhere plot. There was a half-hearted stab at some Philip K. Dick-style "is it real?" stuff with Mrs. Werebat claiming her husband was having drug-induced hallucinations. That might've been interesting, but it wasn't sold very well at all.

The riffing only managed to elicit weak smiles on my part. This felt like an auto-pilot episode to me. Sure, there were individual lines that might have been funny, but they never got any humor-momentum going. As is typical of late, the host segments aren't worth mentioning (though I do think Mike looks good with a 'stache, even though he already tried that look a couple years ago). Am I running out of energy or are they? Or both?

Little free advertising for local business, eh there guys?

"You know, if I'm ever asked to do a love scene with someone turning into a bat, I'll do it, but only if it's tastefully done." (6/10)

film d. Jerry Jameson (1974)
mst d. Kevin Murphy (18 Jul 1999)

MST3K (1009)

1009 - Hamlet: Prinz von Dänemark - I was prepared to be bored out of my mind by this one. Generally considered to be one of the worst episodes of the entire cable series, it's also, arguably, the very highest of brow for subject matter on any of the show's experiments. Based on a 16th century play by the English language's most famous ambassador, Hamlet is wordy. Really wordy. It was hard to foresee how the guys were going to squeeze funny words of their own in there.

They managed. The riffing was noticeable lighter -- due to the heavy dialogue of the movie -- than normal, but they kept up a steady pace. Still, it took me about 50 minutes before I got it and began to crack smiles and chuckle. This is not a normal episode. You need to readjust your expectations and watch it differently than a regular MST3K show. Many of the riffs require that you pay attention to -- or are at least familiar with -- the Bard's play. However, the crew didn't suffocate the episode with Hamlet-specific riffs. There were plenty of fart jokes and "Before you die, does my palm smell like Cheetos?" type cracks to go around as well. It helped me, also, that I enjoyed watching the play itself again (guilty: English lit major here).

The choice of a dreary version of a 400-year-old work of literature was a risk for the show. It seems to have failed for them in most people's opinions. But, hey, they did nigh-200 shows over a decade. A little experimentation is good. What the hell? They're going down in flames in four episodes, anyway. Have some fun with the format.

"But it's cherry-flavored kids' poison! He should love it!" (7/10)

film d. Franz Peter Wirth (1961)
mst d. Michael J. Nelson (27 Jun 1999)

MST3K (1008)

1008 - Final Justice - It wasn't Mitchell, but it wasn't for lack of trying by the crew. They even brought back a riff from that infamous episode: "I'm so confused and hungry" (in addition to the numerous out of breath / hungry / heart attack riffs similar to those in 512). For some reason, this episode wasn't quite as funny as that previous Joe Don outing. Perhaps Joe Don's character isn't quite as funny as Mitchell? His Texas sheriff doesn't yell at any kids, toe himself a beer while having sex with a prostitute or parade about in a variety of bad '70s suits.

I actually enjoyed this film on its own. I think throwing a none-too-smart, ultra-violent Texas policeman into a European country was a concept worth exploring. Joe Don was an excellent casting choice to play said none-too-smart, trigger-happy lawman. Seeing him run around a tiny island country acting like a jackass was fun.

I betcha the crew got more hatemail from Malta than they did from Canada. Hehe: "…witless, tight-shirted clouds of B.O." and "…puking hairy-necked freaks" indeed.

"If I die, I want to be buried next to the Sizzler." (7/10)

film d. Greydon Clark (1984)
mst d. Kevin Murphy (20 Jun 1999)

OLR: The Punisher: Extended Cut (2004)

The new subplot was not really worth it. (7/10)

d. Jonathan Hensleigh

OLR: Masters of Horror: "Dance of the Dead" (2005)

We both agreed: better than Land of the Dead. (8/10)

d. Tobe Hooper

Star Trek: TOS 1.14: "Court Martial"

Note to future hackers: don't screw with Spock's chess program while editing video to frame someone.

yr: 2267
sd: 2947.3
ad: 2 Feb 1967

MST3K (1007)

1007 - Track of the Moon Beast - It was the middle of the afternoon and I could barely keep my eyes open. This late-'70s monster movie was almost retro in its rubber-suited-monster tedium. There's a few frames more in the gore shots and a few more inches of buttcheek exposed in the love interest, but otherwise this would've fit in on a double-bill with The Giant Gila Monster back in the day.

The riffing didn't do much to keep me awake, either. Laughs were rare. I did like the guys' obsession with Johnny-Longbow's stew recipe. Completely untouched in the commentary: the barely hidden homoerotic subtext to Paul and Johnny-Longbow's relationship.

Wow: the first new part of the SOL seen since The Movie. Well, it looks like they simply threw Mike's bed in the corner of the bridge set and covered the walls with some posters (Clint Eastwood and PaRappa the Rapper). Still, that's kind of exciting. The host segments are rarely worth mentioning these days, otherwise.

Man, am I hungry for some stew now.

"Tomorrow we'll be laughing about your killings." (6/10)

film d. Richard Ashe (1976)
mst d. Michael J. Nelson (13 Jun 1999)

Guest OLR: Spider-Man 3 (2007)

We have officially entered barely watchable soap opera territory. (5/10)

d. Sam Raimi

MST3K (1006)

1006 - Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues... - I liked the part of the film on the river. With the warm weather finally holding, maybe this is just reflective of my desire to go on a canoe trip. I think that part of the film held some potential. If they'd just started the film there, this could've been a kind of Deliverance with both rednecks and bigfeet as the monsters in the woods. Old Man Crenshaw's just about the coolest character yet seen in a MST3K episode. I think I'll rent some other Charles B. Pierce flicks just to see what he did with ole Jimmy Clem in them.

"Dr. Batch. This fall." The riffing was serviceable. Like the last episode, it seemed to lack the energy and density of earlier shows in the season. I wonder when the crew found out that they were canceled? I can see that having a depressive affect on the show's production.

We haven't had a song in a while. Brain Guy's "song" was fairly clever. Like a classic, storytellin'-style country song, it begins with a really long introductory dialogue spoking in a down-home, folksy manner. The song itself consists of just one line: "There's a creature who lives in the swamp," after which Brain Guy abruptly stops his a-singin' and a-pickin'. Funny, though I kinda liked the song and would've liked to hear the complete version.

"It's a poop emergency. She snaps into action." (7/10)

film d. Charles B. Pierce (1983)
mst d. Kevin Murphy (9 May 1999)

Star Trek: TOS 1.13: "The Galileo Seven"

I'm with Spock on this one. What's with the fascination with risking your life to bury dead bodies? Escape the planet of the walking carpets first, mourn later. Geez.

yr: 2267
sd: 2821.5
ad: 5 Jan 1967

MST3K (1005)

1005 - Blood Waters of Dr. Z - Like a lot of movies from this era, the entire film seems to be created from shades of brown. Muted and dull, the color palette only helps to accentuate the meandering plotlessness of a movie about a guy dressed as a humanoid catfish. Without Mike and the bots, this would be torture nearing the Manos ballpark.

With the bots on our side, the episode ain't bad. The majority of the film is spent watching Catfishman wander around Florida, not saying a word. The guys fill this void by creating a pathetic personality for the fishguy. He attacks pinball machines when angry, can barelyget move beyond the "oops" of killing the bikinigirl, and likes to spend his free time cleaning the underside of the ocean. It wasn't nearly as funny as the fastidious gourmet personality create for Trumpy, but it got the job done.

I can't believe there were no "drawn butter" riffs in this one, though. Guys, what happened?

"He's learned to modulate his flatulence." (7/10)

film d. Don Barton & Arnold Stevens [as Don Barton] (1972)
mst d. Michael J. Nelson (2 May 1999)