MST3K (321)

321 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians - Santa Claus conquers the Martians... with love! And toys. And wackiness! I think I've got a new Christmas tradition. I can't wait to force this one on the family for Xmas '07 (unless 521 is even better). Outside of marathons, this is the first holiday the guys have celebrated since Crow was frozen. I wish they'd do it more often. It's fun. I like seeing the SOL decked out for the season. It makes for a nice change of pace for the show.

Santa: "Well, we've never disappointed the kids, yet." Joel: "Except for the poor ones." Knowing that "A Patrick Swayze Christmas" was in this episode was the main reason I rented Road House a few months back. Woo-hoo, I was able to catch all of the references! Yes, yes it was funny.

The main evil-bad guy looks like Trapper John v.1 and he does a nice job with his part. He's got the evil-bad guy diction matched with a nicely booming voice. Trying to explosively decompress both Santa Claus and two little kids, however, seems a tad too evil for a children's movie like this. How about a Martian ray that takes away Santa's special powers? That might a level of evil more appropriate.

After a season full of references, I finally broke down and looked up where "there's something wrong on Saturn 3" came from. It's from the movie Saturn 3, shockingly enough. Dammit, Netflix doesn't have it available. Now I'll never find out what's wrong.

As I read each ACEG entry for the episodes that I watch, I've come to discover that I hate the ones written by Paul Chaplin. Too much malice, not enough funny. "Dropo in particular is a mincing little creep." C'mon, man. Dropo rules.

"Smoking is good for you. Ho, ho ho." (7/10)

film d. Nicholas Webster (1964)
mst d. Jim Mallon (21 Dec 1991)

MST3K (320)

320 - The Unearthly (w/ Posture Pals + Appreciating Our Parents) - It was a war to keep my eyes open. This was partially due to being tired, but the entire episode didn't help, either. This is the most boring experiment since 103.

The two shorts were incredibly tedious. Perhaps coming fresh from Mr. B Natural will skew your expectations for these things, but I don't think that was the problem. Both had impossibly dull narration over unbelievably dull subjects. I'd have thought that some nuggets of ironic joy could be gleaned from the shorts' exhibitions of square '50s culture, but that didn't even get me to grin.

The movie was in the same, crappy neighborhood as the aforementioned Mad Monster. There's a mad scientist. He's got some potentially nifty ideas. The gland thing reminded me of my fondness for From Beyond. The execution of the story was terrible. This film could hardly be called a horror movie. It was mostly just people walking around the same couple of rooms in a house.

The poor source material wasn't enhanced very much by JatB. None of the riffing got me to laugh at all. The host segments were ho-hum. I liked Frank's tears over his pet gerbil -- now trapped in a giant pill for Dr. F's invention exchange -- and I liked the overly complex Mousetrap game spoof. That's about it, though. A song or a visit from Mike would've been very welcome here.

Hard to believe Rhino actually chose this one on purpose for a box set. Anyway, time to get some sleep.

"Uh, mind if I skip dinner? I'm a bit off my food." (5/10)

film d. Boris Petroff [as Brooke L. Peters] (1957)
short 1 d. ?? (1952)
short 2 d. Ted Peshak (1950)
mst d. Jim Mallon (14 Dec 1991)

Guest OLR: Hollywoodland (2006)

There's a problem when the most interesting aspect of a dramatized noir-mystery is the broken family subplot. (6/10)

d. Allen Coulter

MST3K (319)

319 - War of the Colossal Beast (w/ Mr. B Natural) - Joel-as-Buzz (worried): "You've seen me do everything?" Mr. B Natural, the Pod People of shorts. This short is one of the earliest memories of MST3K I have. In fact, I think it was the first bit of MST3K I saw that really made me laugh. It still has that power, even though I've seen a half-dozen times since then. The tears were welling up in my eyes as I watched the guys recoil in horror from the man-lady sprite from Hell.

I'm liking the B.I.G. movies. I look forward to them, which is something I cannot say for the Sandy Frank and Corman flicks. WotCB, like Earth vs. the Spider, is plenty entertaining. When the titular beast finally makes his first appearance, he sort of jumps out from behind a mountain, revealing his newly disfigured face. It was an effective shot. I can easily imagine '50s audiences jumping and screaming in their theater seats. The exposed skull makeup is pretty good, too, for the time. I wouldn't mind wearing that getup for a Halloween costume.

Scientist: "Dr. Richardson, how's the examination coming?" Crow: "My nurse fell down his throat!" The riffing was solid this time out. Gone is the confused frustration from 318; the guys know what this film is and they tear into with precision. The host segments, while not Pod People-hysterical, were also very solid. We get real inventions this time with a pair of food-shooting weapons. Joel goes goofy again with his "KTLA announcer of the future" shtick. Mike makes a return as a good-natured colossal Glen. And, incredibly important philosophical ground is covered during the Crow-Servo "Mr B: Man or Woman?" debate.

"He's crying for his mother. Her name was AHHHHG!" (8/10)

film d. Bert I. Gordon (1958)
short d. Phil Patton (1957)
mst d. Jim Mallon (30 Nov 1991)

MST3K (TD91)

Turkey Day '91 - Ah, comforting Turkey Day. For this pseudo-Thanksgiving, I ordered myself some chicken tacos, nachos and award-winning no. 4 salsa, and washed it down with a couple of beers. While it's not exactly Grandma's mashed potatoes and turkey, it was all good.

MST3K's very first special is, appropriately enough, a celebration of the holiday they premiered on. It was also a brilliant idea. A day off from work spent lounging around the house with a belly full of good food, laughing with your family over a seemingly endless supply of bot-produced comedy. Good, clean fun. I am not at all surprised that the tradition continues to this day.

My favorite bit is Dr. F, unseen to us, remote-exploding the Underdog balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. This balloon happens to be Frank's favorite and its fiery demise causes him to break into Frank-style hysterics as the carnage unfolds. Consoles Dr. F.: "He must die so we may live."

Though it doesn’t premiere for another year, they must have shot the documentary This is MST3K around this time. The three "Making Of" segments look to be from the same footage. I wonder why they sat on it for so long after this?

My one complaint is about the guests. Plant Guy from 309 -- sorry Kevin -- is just lame. Gerry and Sylvia don't have anything to say or do. There is only Jack Perkins to brighten up the party. It's not really BBI's fault. They hadn't created very many non-Mike guest characters at this point. It's too bad 319 didn't air earlier. We could've had sexy Mr. B. join the fun this year.

The line-up for the marathon was pretty solid. Personally, I probably would've swapped out 206, 203, and 202 for other selections. Robot Holocaust would've been nice. I'm surprised one of the Gamera movies didn't make the cut, either.

28 Nov 1991
00:00 206 - Ring of Terror
02:00 301 - Cave Dwellers
04:00 203 - Jungle Goddess
06:00 202 - The Side Hackers
08:00 201 - Rocketship X-M
10:00 205 - Rocket Attack U.S.A.
12:00 306 - Time of the Apes
14:00 207 - Wild Rebels
16:00 309 - The Amazing Colossal Man
18:00 213 - Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
20:00 303 - Pod People
22:00 310 - Fugitive Alien
29 Nov 1991
00:00 204 - Catalina Caper
02:00 307 - Daddy-O
04:00 311 - It Conquered the World

"These are Potato Buds. This is a turkey baster. Be careful." (8/10)

mst d. ?? (28-29 Nov 1991)

MST3K (318)

318 - Star Force: Fugitive Alien II - (aka Sutâurufu: "Episode 3" + Sutâurufu: "Episode 4") Meh. Outside of the song medley, in which we get a professional, full-on reprise of the "Forklift" song, this episode didn't do too much for me. I did get one solid laugh from the movie riffing. Cap'n Joe: "One thing that Halkin didn't teach you is to fight as dirty as he does, which is the reason why you'd better take some Earthlings along." Joel: "Because we're basically scum."

There was also a world record for references lost on me during the host segments. I never like it when that happens, as it always feels like a waste of a segment if I'm scratching my head most of the time. From the bots' philosophical discussion of puppets, I was only familiar with around half of them. I've no idea who/what Topo Gigio, Kukla and DC Follies were/are and am only vaguely aware of what H.R. Pufnstuf and Señor Wences were. It was the same with the bots' ideas for combining evil people. Crow scored an over-my-head hatrick with his suggestions of Tom T. Hall + Roy Clark + Donna Fargo. Frank apparently likes the myseriously named Tom T. Hall, so that might mean he's good people.

We're also back to the non-invention invention exchanges. Foam noses and giant heads... not inventions. Joel does look appropriately goofy in his head, though. The following segment, however, was truly inventive. Servo's head exploding inside the theater -- after he ominously complains of not feeling well for a few minutes while the characters on screen also get sick -- was unexpected and very amusing. The host segment does borrow from 314's "Joel is Dead!" prologue, but it still works.

I do really enjoy the particular copy of this episode that I own. During this era, Comedy Central had Penn Jillette interrupt the end credits with his announcements about what show was next. Sometimes this would trample over a joke, as with 307's multiple false endings. Fans complained, as they should've. This episode contains his infamously condescending reply:

"You're at Comedy Central and you've been watching Mystery Science Theater 3000. You know, here at Comedy Central, we've been somewhat concerned lately about the little tempest brewing in the teapot of some of our "Love Theme"-loving viewers' heads. We're starting to get a little worried about you guys. Don't you realize we that have to tell our viewers what's going on on the network or they'll channel-surf their way straight to CNN and then what? Comedy Central will turn turtle and Mystery Science Theater will go down with the ship. Think about that. No more Fugitive Alien III. No more War of the Colossal Beast. No more Daddy-O. Here at Comedy Central we love our viewers, but in order to truly love someone, one must first learn to love one's self. So, coming up next, watch Pepsi's A-List, the half-hour of top, professional comedy hosted by the inimitable Richard Lewis. Keep it right here, true comedy lovers, at Comedy Central."

If you're curious, I got my copy from here.

"You like my fort? Made it out of refrigerator boxes." (6/10)

film d. Minoru Kanaya & Kiyosumi Kuzakawa (1978)
mst d. Jim Mallon (16 Nov 1991)

MST3K (317)

317 - The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (w/ The Home Economics Story) - Slightly better than Teenage Cave Man, even if it does use the same locations and dogs. The titular sea serpent model was actually pretty cool-looking. Corman had a Viking-style ship made? And it really floated and stuff? Color me impressed. There wasn't a lot going out outside of people walking around, but JatB helpfully do their best to ease that pain. The beardless Vikings who spare the lives of their enemies for no reason are pretty ridiculous, though.

"Iowa State College: the high school after high school." If there isn't an ISU campus store selling a T-shirt with this on it, there really should be. If there isn't an ISU women's studies class dedicated solely to this short, color me surprised.

Servo: "I'm beginning to think the world would be a better place without waffles." With that, Crow transforms into Willie the Waffle, the wonderful, whimsical, wisecracking waffle, who describes the nightmare of a waffleless world. Wow, eight years before they ever got the chance to use it in the show, here's a reference to A Case of Spring Fever. That's a helluva wait after discovering the joys of a springless world. They even beat The Simpsons by four months with this parody ("Come back, zinc!"). Also, I will pay for the rights to use Jo-Jo Waffleberry's as a restaurant name.

"The five pound potty? She had a big breakfast." (7/10)

film d. Roger Corman (1957)
short d. ?? (1951)
mst d. Jim Mallon (26 Oct 1991)

OLR: Equus (1977)

Normally, dramas based on plays are my kryptonite, but the philosophical subject matter makes up for it. (7/10)

d. Sidney Lumet

MST3K (316)

316 - Gamera vs Zigra - Yuasa-san must have a love affair with submarines and UFOs. Three out of the last four Gamera flicks have involved one or the other or both of those things. And, children, the mischievous scamps, are always managing to steal or stowaway on them. The Gamera Universe is in dire need of child-proof sub/saucer locks.

Speaking of the last Gamera movie, I wonder if BBI watched that one? Sandy Frank skipped it for some reason, so it wouldn't have been a part of the group of his films they bought the rights to. However, it involved an x-ray of the inside of Gamera, not too unlike the Gamera diagram from this episode's host segment (though the x-ray did not show a spiral staircase anywhere). In fact, the children in the aforementioned stolen submarine travel inside of Gamera, Fantastic Voyage-style. I can verify that Joel's information about the game room is way off. I think I did see a lonely guy with a bunch of cats in there, though.

"Hi. My name is TV's Frank and I am a Stooge-aholic." The credits still don't identify him as such, but this is the first time Frank's future full name has been used. This language was just a part of the infomercial-style spin they put on the invention exchange, as Joel describes Crow as "TV's Crow, the lovable, wise-cracking robot." They must've liked that prefix for Frank's name. I'm curious to see if they use it again in 317.

Moon Lady: "Even the earthquake of Sanriku Island was only about magnitude thirteen-and-a-half." Crow: "Which is also the IQ of Sandy Frank." Shot of the ocean during the "The End" credit. Servo: "I sure hope Sandy Frank gets a burial at sea." JatB are getting mean with the old guy. It used to be that they just would indicate that he enjoyed defecating on his metacarpus. Again, I'm not surprised he hated the show.

My last KTMA repeat, my last Gamera movie and my last kaiju eiga. I can't say that I'm disappointed. I thought I'd really enjoy the Japanese giant monster movies. In theory, they sound like super-good fun. Guys in rubber suits fight with each other in slow motion as they step on exploding models of cities. Awesome. In reality, there's only so much fighting and model-stomping that can be done before it gets boring. The remaining 80 minutes have to be filled with something else. That something else invariably involves annoying Kennys and ham-handed lessons about the environment. Still, I'm going to Netflix the modern Gamera trilogy and see what that's all about.

"Somebody get me a gun. I'm gonna shoot this coward." (6/10)

film d. Noriaki Yuasa (1971)
mst d. Jim Mallon (19 Oct 1991)

OLR: Gamera vs. Monster X (1970)

Lacking UFOs and children of the annoying variety, this isn't a bad Gamera movie. (6/10)

d. Noriaki Yuasa

MST3K (315)

315 - Teenage Cave Man (w/ Aquatic Wizards + Catching Trouble) - Like the last episode, everything was keen except for the actual movie. Luckily, there were two entertaining shorts to eat up some time before the painfully tedious Teenage Cave Man arrived. The script was incredibly self-important, packed to the gills with speeches and lengthy epilogue-expositions. The writing was far out of sync with what Corman was actually filming. Given that, I'm not surprised the equally self-important M. Night ripped off a bunch of its concepts for the equally lame The Village.

Hey, the alligator with the fin glued to his back from Robot Monster is back! He's still wrestling that poor lizard. Why can't they make up and play nice? Dr. F and Frank managed it.

"Bear cubs can't mess you up much…" "Mess you up"? Is that really a professional film narrator phrase? I think the screams of those poor bear cubs will haunt me off to sleep tonight. I'm with Joel: Catching Trouble makes me "deeply ashamed of my race right now." Man, I am glad it's not the 1950s anymore. As many troubles as there are in the world right now, it's always nice to see that we've progressed.

I'm a fan of the rainy day theme running through JatB's host segments. It's more of that comfortable, down-home charm that makes MST3K what it is.

Rainy Day Epicacs (sic)

• chocolate milk + pickle juice
  I'd give this a day in court. A little sweet, a little salty, some milk fat mixed with brine… it has potential.
  
  
• circus peanuts + warm strawberry Quik + a punch in the stomach
  Foregoing the assault, I've got to try this. I wouldn't be surprised if the Japanese already have this in vending machines.
  
  
• Lucky Charms + cherry NyQuil
  A great idea for the next time I come down with a cold. Thanks, Joel!
  
  
• blue cheese with a steak garnish
  Blah! Puke! Few things are worse than moldy cheese. Gag!
  
  
• Snickers bar + honey mustard nougat
  I like Snickers. I like honey mustard. I don't see a problem.

"I'm gonna cut yah, man." The epic, multi-host-segment-spanning Dr. Forrester-Frank battle of '91 was awesome. It almost smacks of "we can't think of an invention exchange or anything else to do with the Mads this week," but I don't care. It's plain funny.

Factoids about this week's letter: it looks like the stuntman who wrote it was Bruce Paul Barbour, who's been in tons of cool movies. If you pause on the Still Store shot of the letter, you can see in the far-right lower corner that he recommends the guys check out Eegah. Good pick, Bruce! Wonder if they gave him a finder's fee?

"I hope they emptied that bear first." (7/10)

film d. Roger Corman (1958)
short 1 p. Rod Warren (1955)
short 2 d. ?? (1950)
mst d. Jim Mallon (9 Nov 1991)

MST3K (314)

314 - Mighty Jack - (aka Maitei Jyakku: "Episode 1" + Maitei Jyakku: "Episode 13") This movie is the result of a transcontinental game of editor telephone. Mighty Jack started life as a thirteen episode TV series in Japan. Presumably, these thirteen hours of TV all made sense together. Sandy Frank bought the American rights, threw out the middle eleven episodes and called it a feature film. Not only did eleven hours of plot development get tossed, but, as Sandy is wont, he had the film dubbed as poorly as possible. That alone made for a jumbled mess, but MJ wasn't finished there. Next, BBI bought the broadcast rights from Sandy for their little puppet show. In order to squeeze in the host segments, even more footage was cut out. Less than 90 minutes remained of what used to be a 650-minute story. It's a wonder anyone can watch the result and not have their head explode.

The confusion takes its toll. I don't think the guys really knew what to do with this movie, even though this is their second stab at it. The riffing is barely there this week and I sensed a lot of missed opportunities. It's an improvement over K14, but not by much.

The host segments, on the other hand, were universally excellent. "Got five seconds to live… must get personal finances in order…" The "Joel is Dead" prologue host segment was genuinely disturbing and very amusing at the same time. This is, by far, my favorite prologue of the series. Usually, these intro segments consist of throwaway bits with the guys dressed in bathrobes. This one, with the drama and the goo and the cries of despair, I will remember. Also genuinely disturbing: Dr. F's sexy legs and Frank's response to those legs (the deadpan: "I want children.").

The remaining host segments played to the guys' strengths. There was a commercial parody MCed by the mighty-voiced Servo ("Mighty Jack Dog Food"), an MJ movie scene parody, and another installment in the "Joel Gone Goofy" series. All three of these types of segments never fail. Crazy Joel playing with the aquarium was my favorite, if only for the weird look it gave the show. Seeing the bridge through water with toys suspended in it was neat.

"Meanwhile, back on the Greasy Bastard." (6/10)

film d. Kazuko Mitsoti (1968)
mst d. Jim Mallon (21 Sep 1991)

OLR: Æon Flux (2005)

Hollywood: clones do not, could not, will not possess their older twin's memories. (5/10)

d. Karyn Kusama

MST3K (313)

313 - Earth vs the Spider (w/ Speech: Using Your Voice) - You know, this isn't a bad movie. I liked it. I think the special effects were great for the time. It's populated with classic characters like the crotchety sheriff, the egghead scientist, the dippy teen lovers and the forty-year-old high school musician. The only thing that doesn't fit is the title. Most of the Earth had no absolutely no idea that it was threatened by a spider. How about Anytown, USA vs the Spider?

You've gotta love B.I.G. for shamelessly promoting both The Amazing Colossal Man and Attack of the Puppet People in this movie. But, this is a huge, reality-bending continuity problem. If B.I.G. exists in the Earth vs Spider universe as a director, who directed this one in our universe? Or maybe someone else directed TACM and AotPP in the other universe? But if that's the case, why is B.I.G. promoting that other guy's movies? Good parallel universe relations? Or maybe Earth vs Spider is a documentary?

Earth vs Soup. Why soup? Cold War flavor. I love how Crow's mouth moves just a little and Joel and Servo read his writing. Also, I will gladly pay BBI royalties for the rights, because Bennigan T. Puffyranchers is the perfect name for a restaurant.

My favorite class of riffs is quickly becoming the "insensitive clod" riffs. Previously seen during the hospital scene in 309, we get plenty in this ep with Mike and the newly fatherless Carol. Mike runs into Carol on the street shortly after Carol's dad gets eaten by a spider. Servo-as-Mike: "J'here about your dad?" Mike hands Carol a present. Crow-as-Mike: "Something to remember your dad by." Mike and Carol explore the cave. Servo-as-Mike: "Boy, your dad sure picked a great cave to die in!"

I also laughed loudly when the paralyzed spider's leg knocks a glasses-wearing teacher to the ground and Crow remarks "On the floor, four-eyes!"

Joel: "No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him." Spider Victim #2 did look a lot like Dr. E. Maybe too much like Dr. E. My theory is that this was the result of Dr. Forrester's most diabolical experiment ever. He somehow managed to beam Dr. E directly from 104 into not just 313, but the movie played during 313. That's the diabolicalest.

"Here's young George Patton, a patriot and into high-grade weed." (7/10)

film d. Bert I. Gordon (1958)
short d. Arthur H. Wolf (1950)
mst d. Jim Mallon (14 Sep 1991)

Guest OLR: Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

A fun, strangely uplifting road trip through bleak subject matter. (8/10)

d. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris