MST3K (404)

404 - Teenagers from Outer Space - From the title to the flying saucer's design to the jumpsuits to the rayguns to the giant monster, this is the quintessential '50s sci-fi movie. Coming out at the end of the decade, it's a Road House-like decade-capper for its genre. Given the pure, '50s goofiness it contains, it's pretty entertaining to watch on its own.

Betty: "Grandpa was so exhausted, he fell sound asleep with all of his clothes on." Joel: "And then he soiled himself." My favorite riffs from this ep were those directed at the nine-fingered grandfather. I'm pleased to see he returns in a couple of the Ed Wood movies coming in later seasons.

Aww... what a rip. An alien pulled up to the SOL in a super-boss skull ship, but the visitor was just a skeleton that immediately collapsed. Where's Mike, man? We haven't had a visit from him in ages. They made up for it in the last host segment. The fashion show of coveralls with duct tape trim was great, even if some of Joel's poses were extremely disturbing.

This episode sports a couple of behind-the-scenes firsts. It was Mary Jo Pehl's first show as a writer. Little did she know, five years later she'd take over as the main villain. This was also the first episode of the cable era not directed by Jim Mallon (well, not counting 324 in which he shared a credit with Mike). I don't think that I can detect either person's influence on this episode. It doesn't seem any different from the last one, to me. Maybe one of the newbies was to blame for the first host segment being out of order (it references stuff in the movie that we hadn't seen yet)? Anyway, not noticing any differences during these personnel switcheroos is a strength of the show. More on that when 513 rolls around.

Weird. There's a music cue ~52 minutes into the episode that sounds really familiar. During the scene in which Thor is almost passing out on the operating table, the music sounds very similar to that played when Mills learns "what's in the box" at the end of Se7en. They both use that "tweee-EEE-tweee-EEE" screechy violin sound with some scary bass notes underneath.

"Wait until you see my tongues." (7/10)

film d. Tom Graeff (1959)
mst d. Kevin Murphy (27 Jun 1992)

MST3K (403)

403 - City Limits - "He's got a Picasso boob... platter on." Not a bad show. I'm partial to post-apocalyptic movies. This wasn't a particular good example of that genre, but it was filled with complete doofuses riding bikes. JatB had their fun with it. I do have to admit, I've never see an evil-bad guy offed by a desk before.

C'mon guys... having two identical host segments back-to-back is cheating. Yes, their list of funny super hero ideas is plenty amusing. Sure, throwing a couple more on the pile in the following segment was even more amusement. It was also pretty disappointing. Host segments are the much-needed break from the movie. I look forward to them. What are the guys gonna do next? Will Crazy Joel return? Maybe we'll get another song? Perhaps it's time for a visit from Mike? A goofy reenactment of a scene from the movie is always welcome. With all of that potential floating in the air, it was a bummer for it to collapse into "oh, more of the same."

The best part about the "Oh, Kim Cattrall" host segment isn't the song itself. It's the fact that Kim herself randomly discovered this song playing on TV.

"I was in my hotel room and was channel surfing. And what do I hear but my own name being sung by a small golden man. And it just went on like that. I yelled for my boyfriend to come in and see this. We were just in shock. A few minutes later, one of my lesser accomplishments came on: City Limits. I called my publicity agent and asked him if Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a real show. He said yes. I called my florist and had an odd request: to send a bouquet of flowers to a Crow T. Robot. It went to a place called Eden Prairie. Later on, Trace and I met and corresponded. And that is how Mystery Science Theater 3000 came into my life." (from misties.com)

Why didn't anyone mention this awesomeness in the ACEG entry for 403?

"Hey, who invited the stinky guy? Smells like Pussy Nibbles®." (7/10)

film d. Aaron Lipstadt (1984)
mst d. Jim Mallon (20 Jun 1992)

[written whilst enjoying a Number 1 at Flim Flam]

SWH: Week 1 (three)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Giant Gila Monster" (1992)
[A Year on the Satellite of Love] (7/10)
d. Jim Mallon & Ray Kellogg

The Munsters: "A Walk on the Mild Side" (1964)
How did Eddie get changed back to normal size? (6/10)
d. Norman Abbott

The Munsters: "Rock-a-Bye Munster" (1964)
I remember as a kid watching Herman think the toy Frankenstein was his newborn baby and being extremely disturbed. (8/10)
d. Norman Abbott

Tales from the Crypt: "The Sacrifice" (1990)
Michael Ironside could read Stephen King's laundry list and be interesting, though the rest of the show ain't too special. (6/10)
d. Richard Greenberg

Tales from the Crypt: "For Cryin' Out Loud" (1990)
Yeah, I'd beg to be killed if Sam Kinison's voice was yelling in my ear all day, too. (7/10)
d. Jeffrey Price

The Munsters: "Pike's Pique" (1964)
Perfectly establishes Lily, Herman and Grandpa's personalities. (7/10)
d. Seymour Berns

MST3K (402)

402 - The Giant Gila Monster - Ostensibly, this is not a good movie. The titular monster is never photographed correctly and just looks like a regular lizard walking through brush. The close relationship between the sheriff and the town's tow truck driver is inexplicable at best. Still, the film has a charm that makes it endearing. I think part of the reason for this is that it was an independent film made in Texas. This sets it apart from the typical, '50s monsters pictures filmed in Hollywood by the studios. It has a completely different feeling. Kind of down-home. I like it.

"Huzzah, my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkien-reading loser!" Can Frank do wrong? It seems unlikely. Watching Frank beat the hell out of punching bags painted like Renfest rejects is strangely satisfying. I see they are also finally crediting him as "TV's Frank." I guess after two years on the air, he's earned that appellation.

The host segment with the "knee up" montage was brilliant.

Chase: "I carried you in there and I sat on you until you fell asleep." Joel: "Oh, wow." There was more energy in the riffing in this episode compared to the last one. This is just a better movie choice for the guys to dig into, I think. Actually, all of the Munsters riffs (you know, because of the old school hot rods) has put me the mood to watch an ep or two right now. Time to cut this short.

"Mmm, nice uvula." (7/10)

film d. Ray Kellogg (1959)
mst d. Jim Mallon (13 Jun 1992)

SWH: Week 1 (two)

Near Dark (trailer)
The Curious Dr. Humpp (trailer)
Scanners: "Head Explosion"

Creepshow 2 (1987)
"Old Chief Wood'nhead" is poorly constructed, "The Hitchhiker" is average, but "The Raft" is one excellent piece of horror. (6/10)
d. Michael Gornick

Beware! Children at Play (trailer)
Guinea Pig 2: Flower of Flesh and Blood (trailer)
The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror 07-1: The Thing and I"

Masters of Horror: "Cigarette Burns" (2005)
I really wanted to be blown away, but the story isn't anything special and parts felt inauthentic. (6/10)
d. John Carpenter

Dead & Breakfast (trailer)
Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (trailer)

Killer Condom (1996)
Had its funny bits and was a pretty original idea for an AIDS metaphor, but drags on for far too long. (5/10)
d. Martin Walz

Tales from the Crypt: "The Thing from the Grave" (1990)
Again, you can see the ending coming thirteen miles away, but the zombie makeup was very nice. (6/10)
d. Fred Dekker

Tonight's proceedings were joined by C and fed by the unbeatable, though expensive, Pizza House. Pizza and french fries covered in bacon and cheddar cheese were enjoyed by all. Afterwards, the candy drawer was employed.

I taste-tested my first of the Jones Soda Halloween 2006 Limited Edition soft drinks. They released seven flavors this year. Four of them are in mini-cans and are flavors aimed at kids. Three of them are in glass bottles and seem to be for adults to mix with alcohol. I went for a glass bottle of Lemon Drop Dead Soda tonight. It's drinkable, unlike some flavors from last year. I would describe it as liquid lemon-flavored Pez.

Here's my watchin' box, decked out for Six Weeks of Halloween:

MST3K (401)

401 - Space Travelers - I bet Film Ventures was really kicking themselves for already using up the title Stranded in Space when they got the rights to this one. Worse, that title didn't even make sense for the prior movie. The guy was stranded on Earth's sister planet. Space didn't figure much into it. Space Travelers isn't terribly descriptive of this film, either. Yeah, I guess they're technically traveling in space, orbiting Earth. That's not really the important part of the movie's plot, though.

At any rate, I think this is my least favorite Film Ventures movie, Academy Award-winning, well-liked-by-the-general-public though it may be. The pace is a little plodding and, in this post-Apollo 13 world, it's a little redundant. Plus, Rocketship X-M did it better and with a ballsier ending.

Wife: "Oh, there's one more thing..." Joel: "I'm buying a... oh, I guess it can wait till you're dea... I'm mean down." Once again, the "insensitive clod" riffs are my favorite. The guys have ample time to play with these during the long, long scene in which each wife talks to her doomed astronaut husband for the last time. Wife: "They want to give you something." Crow: "A headstone."

The host segments in this episode were just OK. The list of inventions that the space program has given us and the rocketship sketch were both densely written and clever. Not laugh-out-loud funny, though. I was pleased to hear SPACOM! get a mention as a NASA invention, though. The final segment was another one of those in which knowledge of a before-my-time actor is a requirement to enjoy it. I've no idea who Tony Franciosa was. I probably should. As a horror fan, I really should get around to watching Argento's Tenebre someday.

"Oh, Gene Hackman. He's good in anything, you guys." (6/10)

film d. John Sturges (1969)
mst d. Jim Mallon (6 Jun 1992)

SWH: Week 1 (one)

The Munsters: "Pilot: My Fair Munster" (1964)
Good choices all around not to continue in color or with the boring Phoebe. (5/10)
d. Norman Abbott

The Munsters: "Munster Masquerade" (1964)
Probably a good choice for an introductory episode, but not that exciting. (6/10)
d. Lawrence Dobkin

The Munsters: "My Fair Munster" (1964)
Grandpa's love potion = classic Munster hijinx. (7/10)
d. David Alexander

Tales from the Crypt: "Three's a Crowd" (1990)
I knew what the ending would be immediately, but its extent got me to laugh in surprise. (7/10)
d. David Burton Morris

Six Weeks of Halloween: 2006

Six Weeks of Halloween
2006

---

1. 23 Sep-26 Sep: one - two - three - four
2. 27 Sep-03 Oct: five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten
3. 04 Oct-10 Oct: eleven - twelve - thirteen - fourteen - fifteen
   
4. 11 Oct-17 Oct: sixteen - seventeen - eighteen - nineteen - twenty - twenty-one
   
5. 18 Oct-24 Oct: twenty-two - twenty-three - twenty-four - twenty-five - twenty-six
6. 25 Oct-31 Oct: twenty-seven - twenty-eight - twenty-nine - thirty - ---

---

I love Halloween. Falling in the heart of autumn, Halloween smells of harvest foods, shivers of cool days, and sounds of dry leaves rustling in the wind. Traditionally, it marked the point in the year when the veil separating our world from the spirit world was the thinnest. In modern American culture, this is the time of year during which everyone feels free to celebrate the horror genre. Little old ladies hang ghosts from their trees, children dress as bloody-fanged vampires, grocery stores stock plastic severed heads, and normally mundane sitcoms air quirky, spooky episodes.

As is obvious from my choices of chronocinethon subjects, horror is my favorite genre. I love that it gets its own holiday (eat it, sci-fi). In recent years, I've extended this horror holiday from one all-too brief day into a six-week celebration of movie and candy consumption. From the Autumnal Equinox to Samhain, I watch nothing but horror movies (with the exception of MST3K episodes this year).

For the 8th year in a row, I will be watching Halloween on October 31st. Outside of that, I don't have a set movie schedule. Friends and spouses will influence movie choices during their occasional participation. Things I may watch include:

• The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad: "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"
• Amazing Stories: "Mummy Daddy"
  
• Blade series (3 movies)
• Friday the 13th Part ?? (on October 13th, of course)
  
• From Dusk Till Dawn series (3 movies)
• Halloween series (8 movies, 1 commentary, 35 documentaries)
• Jaws series (4 movies)
• Masters of Horror (11 episodes)
• The Munsters (70 episodes, 2 movies)
• Poltergeist series (3 movies)
• Puppet Master series (8 movies)
• Sleepaway Camp series (3 movies, footage from an unfinished 4th)
• Sleepy Hollow
• Tales from the Crypt (starting with 2.05: "Three's a Crowd")
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre series (6 movies)
• Zombi series (5 movies)

Plenty of horror movie trailers, Treehouse of Horror I-VII segments, horror-themed music videos and other Halloweeny bits will also be thrown into the mix. In closing, the immortal words of the worlds' spookiest narrator:

Man lives in the sunlit world of what he believes to be reality.
But, there is -- unseen by most -- an underworld.
A place that is just as real, but not as brightly lit...
A DARKSIDE

MST3K (season three closing thoughts)

Goodbye, season three.

Season three was the best so far. That's encouraging. On an episode by episode basis, there isn't a steady incline of improvement, but the guys are getting better year by year. Though not a huge leap over season two, s3 sports better movie selections, generally funnier riffing and some classic host segments. It could've used more Pod Peoples and less Gameras, however.

I didn't like the Sandy Frank episodes as much as I was hoping to. I was expecting the Frank episodes, using the full power of the ComCen-era MST team, to obliterate the memories of the KTMA versions. That didn't really happen. There is no doubt that the host segments in the s3 version blew those from the KTMA episodes completely away. The "Tibby" song, "T.G.I.Tokyo," the not-for-kids "Arts and Crafts" segment, the "Gamera" song and the Gamera schematic are all indispensably classic bits. The riffing on the Frank episodes, however, wasn't the best of the season. It was nice to have all three of the guys consistently in the theater this time, but I felt like they didn't have as much to say about the Frank films as they did with other episodes this year. I still wish the utterly bizarre Frank movie Humanoid Woman would've made it to this season. I'd've gladly traded that one for the utterly boring Mighty Jack.

On the other hand, I discovered that I'm a dedicated Film Ventures International fan. Cave Dwellers, Pod People, Stranded in Space and the Master Ninjas (along with non-FV movies Daddy-O and War of the Colossal Beast) were my favorite episodes of the year. FV's randomized credit sequences are so cheezy and cheap, you've got to love them. Pod People is the first episode I've encountered that I can't wait to re-watch once my "Year on the Satellite" is over with.

What happened to the hexfield viewscreen? It was installed last season and was constantly visited by Mike. There were only a handful of visitors this year; the thing's probably rusted shut from disuse, now. Mike's visits were such a highlight for season two, it was disappointing to lose them. Hopefully he'll return more often in the next season and half, before he gets commandeered as the new host.

I've only seen one season 4 episode (that I remember), which was Rhino's release of Manos. It'll be all new to me. S4 also coincides with my Six Weeks of Halloween celebration. It looks like there are plenty of '50s horror movies in season four that will fit right in.


The Numbers

Total Length

38 hours, 55 minutes, 58 seconds
(97 min average for 24 episodes)
(26 min average for 1 special)

Years Spanned

1956-1984
(1968 average)

Shorts Years Spanned

1938-1957
(1950 average)

Time to Watch

43 days

Time to Broadcast Originally

239 days

Speed

5.6x

Turkey Day Episodes

18 (75%)
301, 303, 306, 307, 309, 310, 311 (28 Nov 1991)
312, 317, 320, 321, 322 (26 Nov 1992)
308, 313, 318, 319 (25 Nov 1993)
306, 311, 315, 316, 321 (24 Nov 1994)

MST Hour Episodes

14 (58%)
301, 302, 303, 306, 307, 309, 310, 311, 312, 313, 317, 319, 320, 321

Total Film Ventures Films

301, 303, 305, 322, 324 (21%)

Total Sandy Frank Films

302, 304, 306, 308, 310, 312, 314, 316, 318 (38%)

Total Sequels

301, 304, 308, 312, 316, 318, 319, 323, 324 (38%)

Total Movies That Are Really TV Episodes

306, 310, 314, 318, 322, 324 (25%)

Total Episodes with Joel's Goatee

307 (4%)

Black and White to Color Ratio

9:15

MST3K (324)

324 - Master Ninja II - (aka The Master: "State of the Union" + The Master: "Hostages") Season three ends with a bang; MN2 is even better that part 1. In fact, the first part -- episode "State of the Union," I suppose -- had Mitchell-level riffing accompanying it. It felt really good to bust out laughing after the torture of 323.

I never got tired of Crow's impression of the mush-mouthed Timothy Van Patten. "Bleh bla bleh bla..." As a rule, it seems like mercilessly poking fun at movie characters with speech impediments is a path to guaranteed success. At the same time, Crow does a helluva George C. Scott impression, too.

I was going to snap a screenshot to post here because the image was so funny, but I see the guys beat me to it with this ep's stinger. The Master seems to be a little too fond of The Hamster. I'm never going to be able to watch The Good, the Bad and the Ugly the same way again.

In response to a letter, the guys name their favorite movies:

• Servo: Little Fauss and Big Halsy (1970)
  a biker picture by the director of Superman IV.
• Crow: The Castle (1971)
  the depressing Kafka story filmed in German.
• Joel: Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)
  man vs sentient computer.

I think Trace and Kevin were just trying to name obscure, crappy movies, but Joel's pick seems to be well-liked among sci-fi geeks. Probably not coincidentally, it's the only one available from Netflix. Into the queue it goes, though it'll have to wait until after Halloween.

Frank -- in addition to calling himself "TV's Frank" -- uses his end-of-episode time to pimp an old show called The Second Hundred Years. I get the feeling this was Frank Conniff speaking and not TV's Frank. Why not use his power as bit player on a small-time cable show for the good of all? It's too bad his pleas to ABC didn't work (this show isn't even on DVD fourteen years later). It sounds pretty cool.

"Oh, excellent, Master Dipstick. That's $50,000-worth of merchandise, Lee." (8/10)

film d. Alan Myerson & Ray Austin (1984)
mst d. Jim Mallon & Michael J. Nelson (25 Jan 1992)

MST3K (323)

323 - The Castle of Fu Manchu - I'm trying to decide which was worse: Mad Monster or this 97 minutes of agony? MM, at least, had the germ of a good idea in it (werewolves vs Nazis). In this one, the evil-bad guy wants to turn the entire ocean into ice. Wha? I don't care what kind of supplies you have stashed in a castle basement, the rapid mass-extinctions from such an event are eventually gonna bother you, too. Why don't you try to extinguish the sun, while you're at it?

Who is this Fu Manchu guy, anyway? Based solely on the cereal premium seen in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy's Revenge, I thought he was supposed to have long fingernails? All right, Internet, you greatest collection of information the world has ever seen, show me what gives. Searching... Okay, so he's a party animal. He enjoys tasty vittles at reasonable prices. And he discovered a cool-looking fish. Hmm. Here, I thought he was a piece of outdated sinophobia best left to the dust bins of pop culture.

Petrie: "Thank you, Curt. It's very kind of you to come." Joel: "Well, I didn't mean to but the new seat covers and all..." See what you did, The Castle of Fu Manchu? You made Joel make the bluest joke ever seen on MST3K! Our innocent, precious Joel has been corrupted. Jess Franco has that sleazy effect, I suppose. Normally, I'm all for sleazy effects, but, based on this and the last Franco movie I saw, I'm never watching anything from this guy again.

The guys began by giving the riffing the old college try, but they ran out of steam halfway through. The host segments were similarly lacking in umph. The Mads' invention is based on a reference to a show cancelled 24 years before I existed, and, I'm loathe to say, even Frank couldn't save it. The remaining host segments all lament how crappy the movie is, which gets old. All in all, just a hair better than the official MST3K low point.

"Er, right, sir. I'll put 'im in the dumpster." (5/10)

film d. Jess Franco (1969)
mst d. Jim Mallon (18 Jan 1992)

Guest OLR: The Black Dahlia (2006)

Fincher dodged a bullet. (5/10)

d. Brian de Palma

MST3K (322)

322 - Master Ninja I - (aka The Master: "Max" + The Master: "Out-of-Time Step") Some war veterans roam the countryside in a suped-up van righting things that once went wrong. It's the The A-Team without all that welding. I love wandering do-gooder shows: The Incredible Hulk, Quantum Leap, hell, I even get a kick out of the syrupy Highway to Heaven.

Joel: "You know everyone's gonna know he's a ninja if they play that theme every time he comes in somewhere." Lee Van Cleef as a ninja? Sold. I don't care what kind of weenie sidekick they hook him up with. Lee Van Cleef going apeshit and destroying a bar? I'd buy that for more than a dollar.

This was a fun episode. I liked the movie selection. The riffing was funny. "Pop-Up Books for Adults" is actually a good idea for an invention. There was "goofy take on the movie" host segment in which the bots ninja-fight, which is always welcome. And, the "Master Ninja Theme Song" is hilarious. What an honor to have your letter read during such a performance!

Weird. I definitely remember watching "The Van Patten Project" host segment back in the day. I don't remember anything else from this episode, though. It's nice that I've forgotten so much, I suppose. All of these episodes are like new to me.

The funniest part of the episode -- the part that had me randomly cracking up throughout when I thought about it -- was an accident. With the unmistakable sound of ripping Velcro, Crow's net spontaneously falls off his head around the 35-minute mark. "Ouch," he says as Joel rubs his bald head. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the slapdash nature show contributes scads to its charm. Jim Mallon could've yelled "cut," but, instead, Crow happily riffs the remaining ten minutes without his hair. Excellent.

Another contest? I don't think they've announced any winners to the last dozen of these things (okay... just two: "Kenny, What Gives?" and "Other Ways to Snuff Gaos"). What gives? Okay, all right. Ideas for 'chucks? Easy. Trumpy-chucks.

"Hey! I bought that chair and you're gonna use it!" (8/10)

film d. Robert Clouse & Ray Austin (1984)
mst d. Jim Mallon (11 Jan 1992)

OLR: Legend: Director's Cut (1985)

An absolutely beautiful film with a story slightly less epic than I would've wanted. (8/10)

d. Ridley Scott

OLR: Primer (2004)

Slow start, but I appreciate the lack of hand-holding with the recursive storyline. (7/10)

d. Shane Carruth